Grace’s Views on Politics and the Current Presidential Campaign

Z- politics, A+ entertainment

I don’t care. I really don’t care. But as I have returned from the dead to write a blog post about this, apparently I do care.

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So it’s been a few months. How have you guys been? Has everything been going well? I’ve practically quit all my TV shows, but I have some ideas about to write. A few. Okay maybe I have no ideas and that’s precisely why I’m writing this blogpost.

A few disclaimers: I haven’t done this in a super long time, so I’ll need to get back into the groove of doing things. Aka writing sarcastic comments and finding relevant gifs. Considering that I’m a teenager though, it should be no problem.

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Anyways, the presidential campaign. America’s reality game show that airs every four years. Don’t think that it’s like a reality game show? Consider the fact that there are eliminations, judges (kind of a stretch, but the people who ask the questions), people drop out, and the people of America vote for their favorite candidate. Honestly it’s literally the recipe of a reality game show. Come on America. Don’t be sheep.

Just like every reality game show, there are archetypes and personalities that are just screaming out our faces. Here are archetypes for the presidential candidates. Bear in mind that I live in liberal New York City, so my viewpoints are a bit biased.

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ANYWAYS, BACK TO THE GOOD OLD LISTS 😀

1. The one that’s here to win. Hillary Clinton through and through. She’s been through this process already and she’s probably completely over losing. She’s here to beat the crap out of her contestants. But of course, there’s always the wild card. Or the underdog. Or the dark horse. Or the Bernie Sanders. Whatever you’d like to call that person.

2. The one that everyone loves to hate. Donald Trump. Obviously. And this guy that everyone loves to hate is the smartest guy. Why? Because he gets all the attention. This guy always makes it into the final round because he racks up viewership and makes things interesting. But how does this guy fare in the final round? Well, if he’s still acting like a completely douchebag at that time, the public will vote him out… I mean, the public won’t vote for him.

3. The dark horse. Bernie Sanders. This guy is so liberal and socialist and actually fights for people’s rights, so it’s no wonder that even though he’s the underdog, he’s still doing super well. You know what I live in New York.

4. The one that doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing. Jeb Bush. Have you seen his eyes?

5. The one that nobody knows exists. Martin O’Malley. And also half of the Republican candidates. Seriously, who are these people? John Kasich? Bobby Jindal? Mike Huckabee? Also I still have no idea who Marco Rubio is. Is he the replacement for the game Marco Polo? MARCO! RUBIO!

6. The one that decides to screw everything up. Thanks Bloomberg. First you left New York with that guy who dropped the groundhog in office (seriously, google Mayor DeBlasio drops groundhog), and now you’re messing with the presidential campaign? You simply KNOW that if you actually run you’re going to take votes away from the Democratic party with your independent-ness. I guess he’s in a New York state of mind. All lone wolf and stuff.

7. The one who always gets in second place. Ted Cruz. Although, he did do okay in Iowa. But no matter how much he wins, he will always be in second place. It’s like Yale. Yale has been better than Harvard, but everyone knows that it’s second place. Second place isn’t a position – it’s a way of life.

8. The one you thought you would like but actually turns out to be a giant douchebag. Ben Carson. ‘Nuff said.

So there you have it. You don’t have to watch this dumb reality TV show. But make sure you watch the final round, because before you know it, one of these idiots is going to be your next president!

I hate politics.

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All the Light We Cannot See, Or (All the Time I Spent Crying Last Month)

Grade: grades can’t express how many feels this book gave me. Okay fine. A+. +. +. +. +. ++++++++. +.

All the Light We Cannot See (5/6/14) by Anthony Doerr

All the Light We Cannot See is a Pulitzer Prize winning book, the third one I have (attempted) to read. Small mistakes beside (that’s the editor’s job so), it’s one of the best books I’ve ever read. And I don’t if anyone says otherwise I think it’s a masterpiece.

I haven’t read a book like this in a while. A super haunting, touching, FEELS-Y book. A book that kept me up all night and made me neglect my other work so I could just read just a sentence more (which turned into chapter, which turned into section). I was up until 1am most nights frantically flipping pages while calculating the time I had left to sleep. And then after I finished, the book just stayed with me, the lines (especially the horrific ones) repeating in my head. Basically what I’m saying is that do not read this book if you have something important to do in the next month (or possibly year) because you will regret your life choices.

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The book follows two main characters: a girl named Marie-Laure and a boy named Werner. It’s set in WWII and spans the time immediately before the war, the time during the war, the aftermath, and even (maybe spoiler?) reaching to 2014.

Marie-Laure is French (of course, her name is the most typical French name I’ve ever heard). She’s also blind, which makes her chapters 10 times more beautiful since she imagines the world and feels her way through it and notices everything. Her story begins in Paris, and then goes to Saint-Malo, where she flees with her father and lives with her uncle, all the while carrying a stone called the Sea of Flames, an incredibly valuable and incredibly made up diamond.

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Werner is a genius albino orphan German boy. He joins the Hitler youth and builds transmitters to aid in the effort of the war. Through the book he becomes more and more aware of the death and destruction he’s in the midst of. He gets sent to the front and eventually ends up in Saint-Malo, where he meets Marie-Laure.

The story lines are beautiful, intertwining in sometimes obvious and sometimes surprising ways. But the style of the writing: OH MY GOD. I’ve never wanted to write more like anyone else.

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I’m now going to launch into one of my epic metaphors / similes. I have come up with several that I think should go down in quote books. Jk they suck.

Most authors write as if they’re taking a photograph: the focus is on the main characters and everything is blurred in the background. Sometimes characters lack a certain depth and the quality of the photograph seems empty.

Anthony Doerr writes as if he’s painting. Every detail is masterfully included, and with each brush stroke he adds another tiny object to the painting: a lamp, a shell, a car. But although he puts tremendous effort into his tiny details, still his entire painting is harmonious and congruous. The quality of his painting never fails. I’ve never read a book where I can picture the scenes as well as I could in this one. And the characters are constructed beautifully as well (I have a very strong mental image of what Marie-Laure looks like and if anyone tries to tamper with that we will have problems).

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(I think I’ll refrain from gif usage for the rest of this post because it’d be weird… sorry y’all)

Sometimes, Doerr drifts off into epic descriptions of sceneries or background information. Sometimes he’ll explain where every single character in the book is at the moment, from Werner to his sister to Marie-Laure to her father to her uncle to… yeah, everyone. Sometimes he’ll launch into some beautifully constructed memory that flashes between scenes of the past and scenes of current events. And once he even went into a what-could-have been situation that I can’t even speak of because it just makes me so sad.

And of course I can’t neglect to talk about the title, which is probably the best title in relation with the contents of the book since To Kill a Mockingbird (which, incidentally, is also one of my favorite books). Doerr plays around with the idea of light a lot. The different types of light, especially visible light and radio waves.

Radios play a huge role in the entire book. Werner builds them and loves them and understands how they work. Marie-Laure’s uncle has a huge transmitter in his attic that becomes key to the core of the story. Radios, literally, are the light we cannot see. And of course, there is visible light; especially that of moonlight or no light. There are quite a few descriptions about the sky and the light streaking across the clouds. Additionally, Marie-Laure is blind, but she seems better at picturing the world than the rest of us are. She can imagine all the different types of light.

And (SPOILER, HUGE SPOILER TURN BACK NOW IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW), there’s also the dead and the souls of the dead (as this is a WWII book, there are a lot of deaths). Several characters become extremely traumatized over the course of the book, to the point where they begin to see the dead and see ghosts, some benign and some vengeful; they travel like light does, undisturbed by everything. Towards the end, Marie-Laure contemplates that the dead could be traveling through the air just like radio waves, the light we cannot see. And so everyone and everything that’s gone isn’t actually gone.

Of course, “light” could also be seen metaphorically as truth or hope. Werner is often blinded by himself, even though he has rays of truths, “lights,” like his sister or his best friend. And each character in the book maintains hope within themselves, even though eventually they almost all descend into hopelessness, unable to see the light anymore.

But in Doerr’s book we come across one of those rare scenarios where the literal meaning is as beautiful or possibly even more beautiful than the metaphorical meaning. The radios, the dead, the truths, our faded hopes: it’s all the light we cannot see.

Then I Remember My Favorite Bands…

Hey y’all I’M BACK IN THE USA! So it’s back to school season (well it is at least for me) and I know that all the teenagers out there in the world are really depressed right now. I also happen to know that the majority of you teenagers out there neglected your summer HW and you’ve probably done absolutely nothing to boost your intelligence or maintain your knowledge this summer. I say probably because there are those exceptions amongst us that we must strive to be. Anyhow, luckily I have a post right HERE that gives you some nice YouTube channels that you can procrastinate-watch which also (gasp) help you learn stuff so you’re not as screwed.

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Now that that self advertising is done, I have literally nothing to write. Since I’ve been in China, the only thing I’ve done is read my summer reading books and I’m not ready to bore you all with my deep and completely wrong thoughts about Frankenstein just yet. There was also no YouTube there. And the best movie in theaters was this kids movie called Return of the Monkey King which, BTW, looks fantastically stupid. There were airplane movies but I only watched Age of Ultron because there was nothing else really worth watching… but even that wasn’t as amazing because it was censored (thanks China) and cropped weirdly.

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So… yeah. First world problems rant done. LET’S MOVE ON.

Since basically the only thing I could do in China was buy and listen to music, I’ll review that. I KNOW THESE MUSIC REVIEWS ARE BORING SHUSH – I’ll have a book review coming sometime in the next two weeks… probably.

Anyways, recently (meaning in the past year) I’ve gotten into bands. I’m kind of sad that I haven’t before, but then again I didn’t really listen to music before. So now, without further ado, HERE ARE MY TOP 5 FAVORITE BANDS. In reverse order. BECAUSE I HAVE AN ORDER!

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5) Plain White T’s. Apparently they’re a pop punk band but I listen to most of their… chiller songs. But anyways even their songs with more intense or quicker beats sound innocent and happy. They’re number 5 on my list because I wish they’d write more songs like Rhythm of Love. I need more songs in my “Sleep” playlist…

Favorite songs: Giving Tree, Rhythm of Love

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4) Imagine Dragons. They were probably one of the first bands I ever listened to obsessively (partially because in 7th grade everyone in my camp was obsessed with them. And who could forget how popular Radioactive got.) Anyways, I started really liking rock because of them; their beat was just amazing and listening to them with headphones for the first time was like OH MY GOD. Unfortunately I think that I listened to them too much – now a lot of my favorite songs by them don’t have the same magic they used to. LESSON LEARNED: DON’T LISTEN TO SONGS TOO MANY TIMES. Who am I kidding I still listen to the same song 100 times a day.

Favorite songs: On Top of the World, Radioactive, Demons, Battle Cry, Warriors

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3) Of Monsters and Men. This band has a super unique sound (probably because of the lead singer). OMAM is an indie folk and pop band, so as expected there’s acoustic guitars instead of electric guitars (which makes it 100x better and their sound is a lot friendlier). I can’t imagine the band using an electric guitar… that would suck so much. Back in the days when I used to buy entire albums (don’t worry it was only a week before I came to my senses), I bought their entire My Head Is an Animal album. It was probably a good thing I liked all their songs because if I didn’t I might’ve cried in a hole.

Favorite songs: Little Talks, Lakehouse, Yellow Light, Mountain Sound, Dirty Paws

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2) Fall Out Boy. I know like half of tumblr and most of nerd culture is totally obsessed with them. I went to a nerd camp this summer and if you played Uma Thurman everyone started jamming out to it. But that’s just because everyone WANTS TO DANCE LIKE UMA THURMAN. The beat to every song is insane and doing anything while listening to those songs becomes the most epic thing of your life. Riding a plane? EPIC METAL TUBE OF JUSTICE! Jogging? YOU’RE JOGGING TO SAVE THE WORLD! Doing HW? Never mind nothing can make HW epic.

Favorite songs: My Songs Know What You Did In the Dark, Immortals, Uma Thurman

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1) OneRepublic. MY ALL TIME FAVORITE BAND. OneRepublic is probably the reason why I started buying music in the first place. My friend suggested I Lived and Life in Color, and then I just bought the entire Native album. Even though OneRepublic is primarily an alternative rock / pop rock band, their songs seem to vary a lot. Just listen to Au Revoir and then Counting Stars and then I Lived: they sound vastly different. But don’t worry about the album being incongruous or something because every song sounds hella good together. Somehow. I don’t know guys it’s just OneRepublic magic.

Favorite songs: Au Revoir, I Lived, Life in Color, Good Life, Marching On

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Serial… Killer?

Grade: A+

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From this American Life it’s Serial, a story told week by week. Serial is a podcast (if y’all didn’t know). Podcasts are like audiobooks except not really. I don’t know the exact definition. I mean, according to Apple Dictionary, a podcast is a multimedia digital file made available on the Internet for downloading to a portable media player, computer, etc, but if you’re like me that means absolutely nothing.

So let’s go with this definition: a podcast is an audio blog. It can be structured, it can be rant-y, etc. Serial, as I mentioned, is a structured story. It’s a true story about the trial of Adnan Syed, a man who was convicted for the murder of his ex-girlfriend, Hae Min Lee, and sentenced to life in jail 15 years earlier. The story, while originally quite a minor murder case, has risen into insane popularity because of the podcast (I mean, bruh, it’s been downloaded over 65 million times). It’s full of intriguing characters, questionable choices, loads of evidence, and ultimately NO CONCLUSION: it’s up to the listener to decide whether to Adnan is guilty or not.

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The podcast is 12 episodes long, but each episode seems to have something new, whether it’s a new witness or new evidence or new speculation over old evidence. You’ll hear evidence from Adnan himself, Adnan’s friends, Adnan’s accuser Jay, Jay’s friends, members of Adnan’s mosque, lawyers who have chosen to look over Adnan’s case, detectives, and more. You’ll hear recordings from the case in 1999. You’ll look into evidence about the case, Adnan’s character, and even the reliability of Adnan’s lawyer.

Throughout each episode you will definitely have conflicting opinions on whether Adnan is guilty or not. I’ve literally gone through an episode with my opinion changing about 10 times. It doesn’t help that the narrator, Sara Koenig, keeps changing her opinion as well. I swear to god, if Sara Koenig changes her opinion one more time my brain might explode.

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And then there are those moments when it suddenly hits you: like, this is a true story. Some girl named Hae Min Lee actually did die. Her family and friends did mourn. And if Adnan Syed isn’t guilty, then a person who loved Hae Min Lee is stuck in jail for not murdering her. And her death seems so terrible and scary and horrible. And it’s so strange to think that it happened so long ago that people are talking casually about it. IT’S JUST SCARY MAN.

Personally, I don’t think Adnan Syed is innocent. Or, if he is guilty, there’s not enough proof yet to convict him. But you’ll have to listen to the podcast yourself if you want to form an opinion of your own. And listen to the entire podcast before you form an opinion, because your opinion will most certainly change in some way from the beginning.

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Good lord this post sounds incredibly serious. Okay. This podcast is absolutely amazing. Nothing’s better than a true story, It’s amazing. SO HAVE FUN STRESSING OUT OVER IF YOU THINK ADNAN IS GUILTY OR NOT!

HAPPY LISTENINGS!

Reviewing This Movie Inside and Out

Grade: A+

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Critics (may I remind you, I am a critique-er) have been calling Inside Out Pixar’s most original ideas in years… Which… Complete BS. Because Brave exists. What’s more original than turning your family members into bears? Exactly. Nothing.

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Nah I’m just being sarcastic. Brave was one of the worst movies I have ever seen. IF I HAD THE CHAAAYNNNCE TO CHAAYYYNNGE MAI PAAAAST I would erase that movie from existence.

The movie is written and directed by Pete Docter, the soulless entity notorious for making grown ups cry harder than children. And by that I mean he directed Up. If you take a trip down memory lane and think about how that 8 minute montage in the beginning of Up affected you, and then multiply those feels by that by 5, you should be prepared for how many feels you will feel while watching a movie about feelings having feelings.

Haha that sentence was so fun to write.

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Anyways! About the movie. This review will be split into two parts: before you watch the movie and after you watch the movie. The part for after the movie obviously contains spoilers.

FOR BEFORE YOU WATCH THE MOVIE:

The movie surrounds a girl named Riley – more specifically, Riley’s feelings. They are Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Anger, and Fear. Anger is literally my spirit animal. I mean he’s literally so adorable and angry and I WANT A STUFFED VERSION OF HIM RIGHT NOW.

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These five emotions conduct the “headquarters” of Riley’s brain. The headquarters receive all the day’s memories and then sends them to longterm memory. The headquarters also contains Riley’s core memories, which each contribute to a part of Riley’s personality: the core memories create these things called “personality islands.” The core memories are all happy memories because Joy is a control freak.

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Anyways, yeah, Joy is pretty much the boss of Riley’s brain and she controls everything. That is, until Riley moves and then sadness screws everything up by making – god forbid – a sad core memory, which Joy, being her dictator self, tries to get rid of. Consequently, Joy and Sadness and all the core memories get sucked into longterm memory. Joy and Sadness MUST RETURN TO HEADQUARTERS BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE. They go through many parts of Riley’s brain: imagination land, abstract thought, dream creation, fears, etc.

Meanwhile, Disgust, Anger, and Fear completely fail to make Riley the happy girl she once was, resulting in Riley’s loss of personality and her eventual depression and apathy.

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The movie is funny, tear-jerking, and (like every other good Pixar movie) surprisingly complex. Although yeah, of course the movie has to hand out cheesy lessons like “cooperation is key!” or “not one person can do everything alone!”

Also take it from me: the movie has some scenes that are so funny and some that are so sad that you’ll still laugh or cry when thinking about those scenes days after you’ve watched it. Maybe that’s just me because I’m a super emotional person.

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If you’re looking for realism in this movie (like accurate representations of the brain and stuff), then you’ve definitely come to the wrong place. I mean, we’re talking about the studio that claims that toys are alive and rats can cook gourmet meals. What are you expecting?

FOR AFTER YOU WATCH THE MOVIE ONLY (YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED):

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Okay can we just take a minute to talk about Bing Bong. Yeah that furry pink elephant cat dolphin cotton candy thing that literally DESTROYED EVERYONE’S HEART OH MY GOD.

I might be overanalyzing this (yeah I definitely am) but we meet Bing Bong when he’s taking memories away from long term memory. It’s obviously representative of us clinging to our memories, but at the beginning Bing Bong seems like a bad guy who’s harvesting all the memories, almost as if somehow a too long lasting naivety can be parasitic and harmful. And when he dies it’s to save a part of Riley that’s been with her for her entire life (including her innocent childhood) – a part that is key and core, not one that was already fading away. So like… we don’t need that childish part of ourselves? In fact we should get rid of it? I have no idea.

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But HOLY CRAP WAS IT SAD. WAS IT SAD MAN. DID I HAVE AN IMAGINARY FRIEND THAT I FORGOT ABOUT? WILL I FORGET ABOUT MY IMAGINARY FRIEND FOREVER? DID MY IMAGINARY FRIEND FALL INTO AN ABYSS OF NOTHINGNESS AND THEN FADE INTO THE WIND LIKE ASHES AND

*falls to knees in despair*

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WHAT OTHER THINGS HAVE I LOST? WHAT OTHER MEMORIES? Okay I’m cool I’m cool (I will actually never be cool after that)

Okay moving on from Bing Bong (ha what a joke), in the end of the movie (no not that boy at the end) Riley has a new set of core memories: more of them, and with a combination of the 5 feelings. Her emotional experience has allowed her core memories to shift from the naivety of only being happy ones to being a combination of all feelings. And then her personality flourishes and now she’s able to feel a wider variety of emotions… as well as learning a wider variety of swear words.

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Yeah okay philosophical time. I’ll keep this short because I’m sick of myself. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Okay but in all seriousness it gets better. Your life might not feel as happy as it was when you were younger but it’s so much more interesting, so much more complex, and so much better. I’m basically quoting Doctor Who right here because I’m not very original.

K BYE!

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P.S. the short at the beginning is so terrible I cannot even express how bad it is.

P.P.S. MORE SPOILERS. Things to think about to forget about Bing Bong! The stupid song that always gets stuck in your head memory! The Canadian imaginary dream boy who would “do anything to save Riley”! The boy in the end whose brain went crazy over meeting Riley (because too accurate)! PSYCH you’re never getting over Bing Bong. *cries in corner*

Looking for Antarctica… I mean, Where’d You Go, Bernadette?

Grade: A-

I mentioned this book in a Weekly Suggestion here. But yeah, I’ll be totally honest with you when I wrote that weekly suggestion I had only gotten 15 pages into the book. Also I accidentally skipped the first page which I didn’t realize until I was on page 50.

ANYWAYS…

As I mentioned in my Weekly Suggestion, this book is an epistolary, or a book that’s comprised of letters. It’s not just that, though. The narrator also tells her side of the story while interweaving the letters and emails and whatnot.

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The book chronicles a tale of Bee, her tragically misunderstood mother Bernadette, her rich and smart but completely personality-less father, and a bunch of annoying mothers. Throughout the book, layers and layers of stories are revealed; everyone has a different perspective, lies are told, misunderstandings happen, DISASTER!

Note to the world: misunderstandings are the cause of like, a lot of dramatic things. *Cough* French Revolution.

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Okay back to the story.

Bernadette Fox is an agoraphobic woman (relatable) who is generally terrified of people (also relatable) and is completely haunted by a past event (also relatable) only referred to as “That Horrible Thing” until it is finally described later. Her unwillingness to go outside and bond with people ultimately causes the aforementioned misunderstandings to happen, building in a climax that is kind of ruined by the title of the book. Yep, she disappears.

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Her daughter, Bee, has to figure out what happened to her mother (because her father was way too busy working at Microsoft on this insanely improbable project to even care) by collecting all the letters and emails and whatnot that make up this book.

The book does an amazing job at portraying how dumb and annoying and vapid people can be. It also does an amazing job at portraying the complexity of humans, which I realize kind of goes against my previous sentence. Humans are all annoying and stupid sure, but they’re also good. Or at least they have the capacity to be surprisingly okay. #JohnLockeandJohnlockSupporter

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Before I get to the rest of my nice critiques, here are a couple of things that annoyed me and therefore dropped this book’s grade to an A-. First of all, why did the Asian character have to be the totally sexually proactive one… if you’ve never heard of that stereotype have fun googling. Second, the Microsoft project that Bee’s father was working on (briefly mentioned earlier) is essentially impossible. Also the outcome of the project was rather frustrating. Third, I felt as if the buildup of the story was extremely rich and intense, but the ending was rather rushed and disappointing.

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But okay. There’s a reason why this book was in the A zone instead of the B or the C or (god forbid) the D zone. And as y’all know (or will know) I judge things by several criteria: how much emotion the thing produced from me (laughed a lot, so check), general plot line (great buildup, disappointingly fast climax), totally awesomely deep characters with a lot of development (CHECK x100), and stuff that I learned.

So now (surprise surprise) there’s going to be a list. Here’s the list of the TOP 4 THINGS I LEARNED FROM WHERE’D YOU GO, BERNADETTE?

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1) Spend more time with your family. Connect with them so they never feel lonely. Get to know them so that you understand them. Or so that (vague spoiler!) you never accidentally accuse them for some terrible thing and then completely ruin their life. And the rest of your family’s life. And also so you don’t go completely insane.

2) Get to know people better. This pertains to your family and also everyone else in the universe. People you hate could end up being awesome (or, I mean, they could still end up being awful, in which case yay you were right). Or maybe, getting to know people better could cause you to change.

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3) Find something that you believe in and don’t be a sheep. The book happened to contain a lot of satire about religion. Crazy Jesus freaks, hypocritical Christian ladies – the whole 9 yards. Throughout the book, some people give up faith (after realizing how sheeplike they were being), some people accept a sort of faith, some people have a reawakening of faith, etc. Personally, I’m agnostic, but who am I to stop you if you have some sort of spiritual awakening or… spiritual sleepening?

4) Do what you love. Don’t give up on it because people bring you down or you don’t believe in yourself anymore. The things you love stop you from going crazy.

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Alright that ended on a super deep note. Well, BYE!

PS: I won’t be here for 3 weeks but I’ll still try to post. I’ll be posting from my phone though, so no gifs. Sorry y’all if you love my gifs. Yay for y’all who hate my gifs.

Supergirl: Age of Me

Well, once you’re done watching that monstrosity, let’s discuss. Ok, rather, I rant to you about how terrible I think it is.

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(Disclaimer: this is only about the trailer, and I have no idea how the actual show is going to turn out. But whatever.)

So I watched the trailer at 12:00 one night and once it was over I screamed “WHAT?” so loudly that I woke my entire family up. It was so bad. I was fuming. Whatever.

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While the trailer has terrible timing, terrible acting, terrible cheesiness, and of course that TERRIBLE joke at the end, the worst part of it is the SEXISM.

Go on and tell me that female superheroes “don’t work.” You wanna know why they don’t work? EXHIBIT A: SUPERGIRL TRAILER. NOBODY WANTS TO WATCH IT.

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First of all, the first 2 minutes and 30 seconds of the trailer make Kara (aka Supergirl) this awkward, lovable, dorky girl with… Wait for it… GLASSES! And of course she’s working for some rich bitchy woman who immediately becomes a “villain.” And yes. It takes 2 WHOLE MINUTES for her to discover her superhero identity power things, which for some reason she has decided to keep dormant for 20-or-so-years.

Honestly, if there wasn’t that terrible CGI-ed beginning I might’ve thought it was some sort of romantic comedy. But it isn’t. It’s show so terrible it might as well be a comedy.

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And then, when she discovers her MAGICAL powers she drops the glasses and she’s somehow magically beautiful.

And then, THE WORST PART IN THE TRAILER BY FAR.

The bitchy blond boss decides to name the new heroine “Supergirl,” and Kara disagrees, prompting bitchy blond woman to name off a list of things that makes her “awesome,” trying to make herself “superior” to Kara.

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LET ME MAKE THIS PERFECTLY CLEAR: one woman’s successes does not in ANY WAY hinder another woman. In fact, a woman’s successes should pave the way for other women. Despite how innocently this competition problem may be portrayed in the trailer, the fact of the matter is that this is the exact problem that is hindering all people from equality. We all argue about who is better, who has more problems, etc, etc. This, by the way, is totally stupid, and if the media wants to stop spreading the supposed “awesomeness” of nonsensical bitchy fights, then get rid of this fight between two very, very successful women who are both amazing in their own right.

Okay but whatever the fight is that. BUT IN THE END KARA COULDNT EVEN CHANGE HER NAME TO SUPERWOMAN!

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Oh yes, then, after telling her would-be-boyfriend about her powers, she spends 50 seconds choosing an outfit.

And then, and then, AND THEN! After she tries to join an operation to save the world (or something along those lines) and she gets snubbed (exact lines: “go back to getting someone’s coffee”), she leaves RIGHT AWAY. And then she promptly starts having a pity fest for herself. Well, that’s what the trailer made it seem like anyways.

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Jesus Christ Kara just woman up and pull off a Peggy Carter (who btw is forced to get coffee) and fight your way through the patriarchy and make all the world tremble in front of you and maybe, JUST MAYBE, Supergirl will live to see season 2.

And, finally, there are exactly 12 seconds of her ACTUALLY FIGHTING, which has perhaps the worst special effects and weakest punches I have ever seen in my entire life. Did DC waste all their special effects and stunt double resources on the Flash and Arrow or something, because their fight scenes are top of the notch movie-style, whereas Supergirl is kinda sorta stuck with DOCTOR WHO LEVEL SPECIAL EFFECTS.

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And, of course, in the end, DC has to remind you that Superman is in fact, SUPERIOR to Supergirl, even providing his BABY blanket as her FREAKING CAPE (which also means that she’s OLDER THAN HIM AND SHOULD BE MORE POWERFUL BUT I GUESS NOT).

I’m going to watch some Agent Carter to cool down. GOOD BYE.

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