Ant-Man: The Filler Before Civil War

Grade: A/A-

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Paul Rudd be rocking the eyebrow slits, eh?

Critics (for the last time guys, I am NOT a critic) have been calling this movie refreshingly simple… or something. Now let me tell you something, this movie is certainly the most basic Marvel recipe I have ever seen in my life yes it’s pretty simple dammit I have to agree with the critics.

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Now, if you guys still don’t know Marvel’s recipe for success, I’ll tell you it now. You take a hot white guy with a twisted sense of humor and shove him in a ridiculous / badass looking costume, take exactly ONE lead female character (no more, no less, and she has to be white… and she’ll probably become the love interest), one POC sidekick (or, in this movie’s case, a few), sometimes an old mentor / nice guy (usually a science-y person), a boring villain that’ll (SPOILERS) probably last one movie before he dies, and Marvel characters from previous movies.

ET VOILA. Recipe for success.

Success

In Ant-Man’s case, hot white man Paul Rudd plays Scott Lang, a criminal and the lesser incarnation of Ant-Man. He has an old mentor, Hank Pym, aka the more important incarnation of Ant-Man who actually created the suit and did all the research and is infinitely more impressive than Scott Lang. Together, Hank and Scott create Tony Stark, with Hank’s genius and Scott’s wit.

Hank Pym has a daughter, Hope Van Dyne, a villain in the books but apparently not yet in the movies. SIDE NOTE: I JUST REALIZED SHE TOOK HER MOTHER’S LAST NAME HELL YEAH! Okay anyways, I’m sure all you comic book lovers are wondering where the hell Janet Van Dyne (aka Wasp) is. Well she’s dead, effectively stopping the movie from having (gasp) two lead females. In addition, Scott Lang has some prison buddies, aka the people of color sidekicks (I think there might be one white sidekick but I’m not sure), who help him with heists and stuff. And then there’s the villain who’s just a super flat guy who of course gets defeated. I’m sorry for the spoiler.

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Now all this sarcasm may make it sound like I didn’t like the movie. Oh no, I did enjoy the movie (okay that sounded sarcastic too but I actually did). It was simple, granted, but it’s true that it was relatively refreshing. Everyone misses that nice old origin story and everyone likes seeing their favorite characters reappearing in the movies. Now generally it’s difficult to combine these two, but Ant-Man does a fantastic job of doing so.

The movie was funny, cute, and badass all at the same time. While it didn’t really make me think a lot, it was still exciting and fulfilling: let’s just say it was a really surprisingly nice filler before Marvel’s next main event (you know what it is… it’s my title). And even though the movie was on a much smaller scale (lol I’m so funny), it still was a big hit. Okay you know what I’m done. I’m just going to wrap this review up right now.

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ONE MORE THING THOUGH. We know that the most important parts of the movie are always the mid credits and the post credits scenes. Now I don’t want to spoil, so I’ll make it super vague. I can’t exactly explain the mid credits scene without super mega ultra spoilers, but the post credits scene is from right smack in the middle of Civil War. Chris Evans looks hotter than ever.

AND NOW A BEAUTIFUL TRANSITION TO CAPTAIN AMERICA CIVIL WAR. The official official teams are finally out (sorry I might’ve been a bit wrong in my previous post). According to the official posters it looks like Black Panther is joining Tony’s team, Agent 13 (aka Sharon Carter) is joining Steve’s team, Falcon has a buddy in the air on Steve’s team, and Scarlet Witch is nowhere to be found so go figure.

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Also a really, really bad quality teaser of Civil War was leaked a couple of days ago. You literally don’t understand how bad it was unless you’ve seen it. It’s probably been removed from the internet as of now (there’s literally no point but ok), but needless to say it looks like it has a lot of characters. Not what you were expecting me to say, huh? Yeah I’m skeptical about this movie. But that’s a post for another time.

So yeah that was some review. Sorry about that; the reviews become more messed when I get stressed. And I’m stressed for school. THE TEEN LIFE, MAN.

See ya when I start school next week 🙂

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Kingsman: The Secret-ish Service

Grade: A-

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‘Ello mates I am late to the party as usual. Pip pip cheerio. And all that rot.

I am not British.

I do have a British friend though. She forced me to write this post. She thinks that this movie is so fabulously British. She also told me to watch Kingsman instead of rewatching Lord of the Rings, and I STILL WOULDN’T CHOOSE IT OVER REWATCHING LORD OF THE RINGS FYI.

This movie is probably the most stereotypically British thing in the universe. Super thick queen-like accents, swearing, weird action scenes, rude humor, and Colin Firth. Basically, the staples of my life.

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If you’re on tumblr, you’ve probably seen some gifsets and videos of this movie (specifically that one scene with the “fireworks” and yes I’m being super vague because SPOILERS). If you don’t have a tumblr first of all what are you doing with your life, and second of all don’t get one or else you will not have a life.

Kingsman tells the story of a secret agent spies (*wink*) organization that is composed entirely of British people. Anyways they go around the world and prevent shit from happening. This certainly explains the number of terrorist attacks going on in the world today.

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Anyways, during a mission a while ago, a man from Kingsman dies (oh no). His son is named Eggsy (#namegoals). When Eggsy gets old enough he’s a hooligan criminal type boy, and then Colin Firth from Kingsman bails him out of jail and sends him to an initiation process for the secret service where people sort of can die.

When Eggsy is being initiated, Samuel L Jackson is plotting to destroy the world with a lady whose legs are swords.

It’s basically as stupid as it sounds.

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Fortunately, this movie does an excellent job making stupid funny. I mean, we’ve all seen those movies where stupid is just stupid (cough Adam Sandler movies), but this movie had some moments that were simply just so gloriously stupid they were hilarious. And it’s not the it’s-so-bad-it’s-good type of movie. It’s just good.

Wow it looks like I’m just trying to meet the word count. (Which I am)

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Anyways you have to watch the movie to understand.

I didn’t really take anything away from this movie at all, so if you’re looking for some deep thoughts from Grace you have come to the wrong place today.

CIAO!

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Jurassic World: Less is More

Grade: A-/B+

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Alongside the 5000000 different movie franchises that are rebooting, Jurassic World is now pulling off a Star Wars and making a 20-year-later sequel! Which contains none of the original cast other than the old dinosaur, Rexy the T-Rex. And the internet knows that Rexy is the most important character after Dr. Ian Malcolm.

Hello T-Rex my old friend, you’ve come to rule the world again.

Riding along the wave of Jurassic Park’s 3D release, and with new geeks and old geeks alike having had their souls awakened, Jurassic World broke an incredible amount of box office records.

Young and old nerds alike entered the theater excitedly, only to be inevitably crushed by how bad it was compared to Jurassic Park.

I mean, for God’s sake, they even mention in the film itself that THE OLD MOVIE WAS BETTER! Or, they say that the “old theme park was the real deal” and that it “didn’t need genetically modified dinosaurs to draw in visitors” or something along those lines. Basically, in my mind, that translates to “the old movie was the real deal. It didn’t need genetically modified dinosaurs (and Chris Pratt) to draw in box office revenue.”

Jurassic World tells the story of… well, Jurassic World, which is built on the same island as Jurassic Park. With, yes, two kids again. This time they’re both boys (they’re brothers), following the grand tradition of getting rid of sexism! One of the boys, Gray, is in middle school and a complete nerd. The other boy, Zach, is in high school, has a girlfriend but still hits on every girl he sees, and is super mean to his brother, yet he still has some slightly redeeming heroic moments that suddenly propel him to EPIC BROTHER STANDARDS.

These two boys go to Jurassic World, which is run by their heartless aunt, Claire, who only cares about money. To boost sales, she creates (or rather she forces other people to create) a dinosaur called Indominus Rex, possibly the stupidest name ever (which the movie admits). Indominus Rex is a genetically modified dinosaur, but its genetic makeup is classified, which is never dangerous. Indominus Rex is kept alone in a teeny cage until it ultimately escapes and starts heading towards all the people in the main base of the island. Oh no.

Oh yes, and there’s also this guy named Owen (aka Chris Pratt aka the only reason why you need to go see this movie) who trains velociraptors. And when Indominus Rex escapes, Owen takes these velociraptors to destroy the Indominus.

Yes, it is as stupid as it sounds.

Other than being a rather stupid concept, I have some other problems pertaining to the science of the movie. Despite the fact that scientists have known for several years that dinosaurs indeed have feathers (velociraptors especially having a set of particularly glorious ones), the movie still refuses to don any dino with feathers. I mean, it would look kind of stupid, BUT THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE FEATHERS.

In addition, the “scary” parts don’t work that well, especially in comparison to Jurassic Park (I mean, in the first movie I was huddled up in my seat in fear).

And of course (SPOILERS), as in every movie, there has to be a super climactic final fight scene. Unfortunately, the one in Jurassic World was (how to put it?) INCREDIBLY STUPID.

Nevertheless, as long as you don’t think too hard about the movie, the action scenes are still satisfying (especially if they contain Chris Pratt). You’ll leave the theater wanting to visit Jurassic World, even if there is a chance that you’ll be attacked by a dinosaur.

The movie also has some great tie-ins with Jurassic Park. I mean, other than building Jurassic World on the same island of Jurassic Park (come to think of it that’s basically jinxing the park right there), there are some moments where your inner nerd will leap with delight because throwback.

Alright bye now 🙂

P.S. I’m off to camp again next week! Huzzahs! If I don’t have WiFi there then I’ll have to post from my phone so I apologize for the disgusting formatting in advance… if that happens.

P.P.S. Sorry for the lack of gifs EVERYTHING IS GLITCHING!

Reviewing This Movie Inside and Out

Grade: A+

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Critics (may I remind you, I am a critique-er) have been calling Inside Out Pixar’s most original ideas in years… Which… Complete BS. Because Brave exists. What’s more original than turning your family members into bears? Exactly. Nothing.

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Nah I’m just being sarcastic. Brave was one of the worst movies I have ever seen. IF I HAD THE CHAAAYNNNCE TO CHAAYYYNNGE MAI PAAAAST I would erase that movie from existence.

The movie is written and directed by Pete Docter, the soulless entity notorious for making grown ups cry harder than children. And by that I mean he directed Up. If you take a trip down memory lane and think about how that 8 minute montage in the beginning of Up affected you, and then multiply those feels by that by 5, you should be prepared for how many feels you will feel while watching a movie about feelings having feelings.

Haha that sentence was so fun to write.

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Anyways! About the movie. This review will be split into two parts: before you watch the movie and after you watch the movie. The part for after the movie obviously contains spoilers.

FOR BEFORE YOU WATCH THE MOVIE:

The movie surrounds a girl named Riley – more specifically, Riley’s feelings. They are Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Anger, and Fear. Anger is literally my spirit animal. I mean he’s literally so adorable and angry and I WANT A STUFFED VERSION OF HIM RIGHT NOW.

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These five emotions conduct the “headquarters” of Riley’s brain. The headquarters receive all the day’s memories and then sends them to longterm memory. The headquarters also contains Riley’s core memories, which each contribute to a part of Riley’s personality: the core memories create these things called “personality islands.” The core memories are all happy memories because Joy is a control freak.

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Anyways, yeah, Joy is pretty much the boss of Riley’s brain and she controls everything. That is, until Riley moves and then sadness screws everything up by making – god forbid – a sad core memory, which Joy, being her dictator self, tries to get rid of. Consequently, Joy and Sadness and all the core memories get sucked into longterm memory. Joy and Sadness MUST RETURN TO HEADQUARTERS BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE. They go through many parts of Riley’s brain: imagination land, abstract thought, dream creation, fears, etc.

Meanwhile, Disgust, Anger, and Fear completely fail to make Riley the happy girl she once was, resulting in Riley’s loss of personality and her eventual depression and apathy.

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The movie is funny, tear-jerking, and (like every other good Pixar movie) surprisingly complex. Although yeah, of course the movie has to hand out cheesy lessons like “cooperation is key!” or “not one person can do everything alone!”

Also take it from me: the movie has some scenes that are so funny and some that are so sad that you’ll still laugh or cry when thinking about those scenes days after you’ve watched it. Maybe that’s just me because I’m a super emotional person.

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If you’re looking for realism in this movie (like accurate representations of the brain and stuff), then you’ve definitely come to the wrong place. I mean, we’re talking about the studio that claims that toys are alive and rats can cook gourmet meals. What are you expecting?

FOR AFTER YOU WATCH THE MOVIE ONLY (YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED):

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Okay can we just take a minute to talk about Bing Bong. Yeah that furry pink elephant cat dolphin cotton candy thing that literally DESTROYED EVERYONE’S HEART OH MY GOD.

I might be overanalyzing this (yeah I definitely am) but we meet Bing Bong when he’s taking memories away from long term memory. It’s obviously representative of us clinging to our memories, but at the beginning Bing Bong seems like a bad guy who’s harvesting all the memories, almost as if somehow a too long lasting naivety can be parasitic and harmful. And when he dies it’s to save a part of Riley that’s been with her for her entire life (including her innocent childhood) – a part that is key and core, not one that was already fading away. So like… we don’t need that childish part of ourselves? In fact we should get rid of it? I have no idea.

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But HOLY CRAP WAS IT SAD. WAS IT SAD MAN. DID I HAVE AN IMAGINARY FRIEND THAT I FORGOT ABOUT? WILL I FORGET ABOUT MY IMAGINARY FRIEND FOREVER? DID MY IMAGINARY FRIEND FALL INTO AN ABYSS OF NOTHINGNESS AND THEN FADE INTO THE WIND LIKE ASHES AND

*falls to knees in despair*

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WHAT OTHER THINGS HAVE I LOST? WHAT OTHER MEMORIES? Okay I’m cool I’m cool (I will actually never be cool after that)

Okay moving on from Bing Bong (ha what a joke), in the end of the movie (no not that boy at the end) Riley has a new set of core memories: more of them, and with a combination of the 5 feelings. Her emotional experience has allowed her core memories to shift from the naivety of only being happy ones to being a combination of all feelings. And then her personality flourishes and now she’s able to feel a wider variety of emotions… as well as learning a wider variety of swear words.

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Yeah okay philosophical time. I’ll keep this short because I’m sick of myself. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Okay but in all seriousness it gets better. Your life might not feel as happy as it was when you were younger but it’s so much more interesting, so much more complex, and so much better. I’m basically quoting Doctor Who right here because I’m not very original.

K BYE!

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P.S. the short at the beginning is so terrible I cannot even express how bad it is.

P.P.S. MORE SPOILERS. Things to think about to forget about Bing Bong! The stupid song that always gets stuck in your head memory! The Canadian imaginary dream boy who would “do anything to save Riley”! The boy in the end whose brain went crazy over meeting Riley (because too accurate)! PSYCH you’re never getting over Bing Bong. *cries in corner*

Looking Forward… Again

Hey guys! I’m finally home from golf camp! I’ve lost about half my brain cells and consequently… I stopped writing this post for 2 hours and I forgot what I was going to say.

Anyways, now that I’m back home, I have two weeks to do whatever I want. Until I get shipped off again. Meaning that I have about 5 movies to watch and 2 TV shows to watch and also that I have to do summer homework in record time. It’s a hard knock life for us.

So basically, because I have so much to do, all I’ve done so far is lie in bed rewatching YouTube videos. And thus, again, I have nothing to review.

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(Never fear: coming up soon are reviews for Inside Out and Jurassic World)

Okay well, it’s July 5th. The day after July 4th. The day of the world cup final (let’s not think about England kthx). It also happens to be 3 days after the middle of the year.

Yeaaahhh…

Let’s not think about the amount of time we’ve wasted and instead look to the future!

(There is none.)

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Since it’s halfway through the year, it’s also halfway to awards season! Kind of. I mean the Oscars happen on February 28th so not really. But we’ll ignore that.

Currently, I haven’t seen any movies that could be nominated for Best Picture in the Oscars. I have a funny feeling Inside Out will win Best Animated Feature Film (despite hearing from countless people that the movie actually sucked… oh well. I’ll see on Tuesday).

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Anyhow, when I wasn’t looking, 3 new seemingly Oscar-Worthy Film Trailers were released. I shall now kind of review them!

1) Steve Jobs

Yes, finally, we might be getting a halfway decent movie about Steve Jobs. The movie industry tends to favor the lone white genius man (see: The Imitation Game, The Theory of Everything, A Beautiful Mind). Hopefully this movie will shed light onto the complex figure that Steve Jobs actually is (not that I know much about him) instead of the glorified god that everyone makes him out to be. Okay he’s still a god.

2) Mr. Holmes

Another movie about Sherlock Holmes. This time, starring Ian McKellen (wouldn’t it be interesting if they cast a POC or a woman as Sherlock? After all, Sherlock is actually a girl’s name). This story seems to have a bit of a twist on the original Sherlock Holmes: he’s retired, trying to fix his last case… WITHOUT WATSON! I think it’ll probably also be nominated for Best Costume Design but we’ll have to see.

3) The Stanford Prison Experiment

Yes, for those of you who don’t know, this is a true story. You can read all about it on this Wikipedia article here. It’s pretty horrifying and inhumane, which is basically just Oscar baiting material. It looks like some of the acting in the movie could probably result in at least an Oscar nomination (*cough* Ezra Miller)

Alright, well we’ll have to see until next year to know if my predictions were right! Also apologies again for not having a legit review. THERE WILL BE ONE NEXT WEEK!

See ya!

Pitch Perfect 2: Prepare to Get… Mildly Pitch Slapped?

Grade: A-/B+

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Funny how the black lesbian girl is on the bottom… Minor spoilers up ahead but really they’re not that bad. I promise 🙂

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Following the ultra-successful instant classic Pitch Perfect that inspired an entire generation to join an a cappella group, Pitch Perfect 2 will… um… inspire an entire generation to… graduate college?

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Pitch Perfect 2 was satisfactory, and as far as sequels go, it was actually decent. It had its really funny moments, and its awkwardly funny moments, its forced funny moments, and the funny moments that were on the trailer that you watched so many times that it’s no longer funny. Also, there was some intense girl power, which is always important to me (who run the world? GIRLS!)

But, as you can see from the grade, I obviously have some criticism.

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The film followed the exact same plot line as the first movie. It’s like the writers were like, oh look how successful this scene was! Let’s repeat it but amp it up! Seriously. There’s yet another and more serious on-stage fail that the Barden Bellas need to fix. Beca interns at a fancier job where she wants a more famous producer to listen to her work. There’s a bigger competition that the Bellas attend. There’s even another riff-off… which starts off with Songs About Butts instead of Songs About Sex. It’s literally the exact same formula.

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Well, I mean, the formula works.

Also, be prepared to get force-fed the most cliché message in the world via highly irritating new girl Emily Junk: be yourself! Don’t try to be someone else! You have your own voice!

Well BLAH!

I mean 90% of the audience was kids under the age of 12 (exactly why I have no idea), so I guess they still need this message.

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Overall, if you want a good laugh and a throwback to Pitch Perfect, go watch this movie. Or just watch Pitch Perfect. It’s cheaper and you’ll probably enjoy it more.

ACA-OUT.

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2015: The Ultimate Movie Breakdown

Warning: this post was created when I was feeling immensely sarcastic. Any viewpoints raised by sarcastic Grace should not be taken personally. Viewer discretion is advised.

HELLO EVERYONE! It’s February (turn down for what) and almost award season, which means I’m watching a ton of movies and trying to watch a ton of movies and it’s basically just a mess.

Anyways I decided to make this post about the upcoming movies in 2015. And I’m late as usual. So we’ll ignore all the January movies. I will also ignore the movies that I don’t really care about. I’ll also probably categorize all the movies wrong. Sound good? Okay let’s begin.

Action Movies

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Kingsman: The Secret Service (Feb 13) – Nothing’s better than watching posh British actors attempting to be badass spies.

Insurgent (Mar 20) – Apparently it’s nothing like the book. So like… the movie’s going to be like the Percy Jackson movie? Oh god. #braceyourselves2k15

Furious 7 (Apr 3) – If you had enough patience (or no life) to watch the first six movies, then have fun watching this one.

The Avengers: Age of Ultron (May 1) – I mean, you probably already have tickets reserved even though tickets aren’t even out yet so…

Jurassic World (Jun 12) – For all the people who watched the original 1993 movie. And for all the people who watched it when it came out in theaters again in 2013. So why do we need this new movie?

Terminator Genisys (Jul 1) – Arnold Schwarzenegger is 67 years old and is still buff as hell. Want to feel bad about yourself? Watch this movie.

Ant-Man (Jul 17) – I mean… you’ll complain about the trailer and all but at the end of the day you’re going to watch it anyways so you might as well stop complaining (*cough* me).

Fantastic Four (Aug 7) – It looks about 10x better than Ant-Man.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part II (Nov 20) – It’s a book. If you really want to know what happens then go read it.

Romantic Movies

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As you can see, I dislike romantic movies immensely.

Fifty Shades of Grey (Feb 13) – I feel obliged to include this on the list just so you guys know to avoid it. It’s just a Twilight smut fanfic. Enough said.

The Longest Ride (Apr 10) – As if we needed another Nicholas Sparks book movie adaption. Honestly half his books are movies and each movie gets a worse approval rating… there’s a time to stop.

Age of Adeline (Apr 24) – If I looked as amazing as Blake Lively why the hell would I want to age anyways.

Paper Towns (Jun 5) – If John Green turns into the next Nicholas Sparks I will chuck my computer out the window.

Animated Movies

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Inside Out (Jun 19) – You’ll be inside the theater and out 10 seconds later. Just kidding. This looks like a fun (but sexist -_-) movie.

Minions (Jul 10) – Minions are literally me. I am a minion. We are all minions.

The Peanuts Movie (Nov 6) – I feel obliged to include this just for all you Peanuts lovers out there #ihaveneverwatchedpeanuts

Comedies

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TBH I don’t watch comedy movies either… At this point I think I might only watch action movies…

The Duff (Feb 20) – According to tumblr the book is total crap. And tumblr is the handbook to life.

The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (Mar 6) – Probably the second best movie in this movie series as well.

Pitch Perfect 2 (May 15) – Prepare to get pitch slapped with autotune again. Also, once again, it has been proven that the rest of the world does indeed hate the USA. What a surprise.

Movies I Literally Don’t Know How to Categorize

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Chappie (Mar 6) – Huzzah! Artificial intelligence. I mean, if K-9 and JARVIS aren’t enough for you, then… I don’t even know

Cinderella (Mar 13) – I’ve never seen such forced posh acting in my life.

Tomorrowland (May 22) – Watching this movie is not going to give you a better chance of getting together with George Clooney. He’s married. Move on.

Pan (Jul 24) – My childhood is becoming live-action. Help.

And there you have it! The movies that you should look out for this year. I hope you have a nice year of movie watching and TV show watching and book reading.

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