Kingsman: The Secret-ish Service

Grade: A-

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‘Ello mates I am late to the party as usual. Pip pip cheerio. And all that rot.

I am not British.

I do have a British friend though. She forced me to write this post. She thinks that this movie is so fabulously British. She also told me to watch Kingsman instead of rewatching Lord of the Rings, and I STILL WOULDN’T CHOOSE IT OVER REWATCHING LORD OF THE RINGS FYI.

This movie is probably the most stereotypically British thing in the universe. Super thick queen-like accents, swearing, weird action scenes, rude humor, and Colin Firth. Basically, the staples of my life.

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If you’re on tumblr, you’ve probably seen some gifsets and videos of this movie (specifically that one scene with the “fireworks” and yes I’m being super vague because SPOILERS). If you don’t have a tumblr first of all what are you doing with your life, and second of all don’t get one or else you will not have a life.

Kingsman tells the story of a secret agent spies (*wink*) organization that is composed entirely of British people. Anyways they go around the world and prevent shit from happening. This certainly explains the number of terrorist attacks going on in the world today.

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Anyways, during a mission a while ago, a man from Kingsman dies (oh no). His son is named Eggsy (#namegoals). When Eggsy gets old enough he’s a hooligan criminal type boy, and then Colin Firth from Kingsman bails him out of jail and sends him to an initiation process for the secret service where people sort of can die.

When Eggsy is being initiated, Samuel L Jackson is plotting to destroy the world with a lady whose legs are swords.

It’s basically as stupid as it sounds.

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Fortunately, this movie does an excellent job making stupid funny. I mean, we’ve all seen those movies where stupid is just stupid (cough Adam Sandler movies), but this movie had some moments that were simply just so gloriously stupid they were hilarious. And it’s not the it’s-so-bad-it’s-good type of movie. It’s just good.

Wow it looks like I’m just trying to meet the word count. (Which I am)

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Anyways you have to watch the movie to understand.

I didn’t really take anything away from this movie at all, so if you’re looking for some deep thoughts from Grace you have come to the wrong place today.

CIAO!

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Jurassic World: Less is More

Grade: A-/B+

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Alongside the 5000000 different movie franchises that are rebooting, Jurassic World is now pulling off a Star Wars and making a 20-year-later sequel! Which contains none of the original cast other than the old dinosaur, Rexy the T-Rex. And the internet knows that Rexy is the most important character after Dr. Ian Malcolm.

Hello T-Rex my old friend, you’ve come to rule the world again.

Riding along the wave of Jurassic Park’s 3D release, and with new geeks and old geeks alike having had their souls awakened, Jurassic World broke an incredible amount of box office records.

Young and old nerds alike entered the theater excitedly, only to be inevitably crushed by how bad it was compared to Jurassic Park.

I mean, for God’s sake, they even mention in the film itself that THE OLD MOVIE WAS BETTER! Or, they say that the “old theme park was the real deal” and that it “didn’t need genetically modified dinosaurs to draw in visitors” or something along those lines. Basically, in my mind, that translates to “the old movie was the real deal. It didn’t need genetically modified dinosaurs (and Chris Pratt) to draw in box office revenue.”

Jurassic World tells the story of… well, Jurassic World, which is built on the same island as Jurassic Park. With, yes, two kids again. This time they’re both boys (they’re brothers), following the grand tradition of getting rid of sexism! One of the boys, Gray, is in middle school and a complete nerd. The other boy, Zach, is in high school, has a girlfriend but still hits on every girl he sees, and is super mean to his brother, yet he still has some slightly redeeming heroic moments that suddenly propel him to EPIC BROTHER STANDARDS.

These two boys go to Jurassic World, which is run by their heartless aunt, Claire, who only cares about money. To boost sales, she creates (or rather she forces other people to create) a dinosaur called Indominus Rex, possibly the stupidest name ever (which the movie admits). Indominus Rex is a genetically modified dinosaur, but its genetic makeup is classified, which is never dangerous. Indominus Rex is kept alone in a teeny cage until it ultimately escapes and starts heading towards all the people in the main base of the island. Oh no.

Oh yes, and there’s also this guy named Owen (aka Chris Pratt aka the only reason why you need to go see this movie) who trains velociraptors. And when Indominus Rex escapes, Owen takes these velociraptors to destroy the Indominus.

Yes, it is as stupid as it sounds.

Other than being a rather stupid concept, I have some other problems pertaining to the science of the movie. Despite the fact that scientists have known for several years that dinosaurs indeed have feathers (velociraptors especially having a set of particularly glorious ones), the movie still refuses to don any dino with feathers. I mean, it would look kind of stupid, BUT THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE FEATHERS.

In addition, the “scary” parts don’t work that well, especially in comparison to Jurassic Park (I mean, in the first movie I was huddled up in my seat in fear).

And of course (SPOILERS), as in every movie, there has to be a super climactic final fight scene. Unfortunately, the one in Jurassic World was (how to put it?) INCREDIBLY STUPID.

Nevertheless, as long as you don’t think too hard about the movie, the action scenes are still satisfying (especially if they contain Chris Pratt). You’ll leave the theater wanting to visit Jurassic World, even if there is a chance that you’ll be attacked by a dinosaur.

The movie also has some great tie-ins with Jurassic Park. I mean, other than building Jurassic World on the same island of Jurassic Park (come to think of it that’s basically jinxing the park right there), there are some moments where your inner nerd will leap with delight because throwback.

Alright bye now 🙂

P.S. I’m off to camp again next week! Huzzahs! If I don’t have WiFi there then I’ll have to post from my phone so I apologize for the disgusting formatting in advance… if that happens.

P.P.S. Sorry for the lack of gifs EVERYTHING IS GLITCHING!

Reviewing This Movie Inside and Out

Grade: A+

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Critics (may I remind you, I am a critique-er) have been calling Inside Out Pixar’s most original ideas in years… Which… Complete BS. Because Brave exists. What’s more original than turning your family members into bears? Exactly. Nothing.

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Nah I’m just being sarcastic. Brave was one of the worst movies I have ever seen. IF I HAD THE CHAAAYNNNCE TO CHAAYYYNNGE MAI PAAAAST I would erase that movie from existence.

The movie is written and directed by Pete Docter, the soulless entity notorious for making grown ups cry harder than children. And by that I mean he directed Up. If you take a trip down memory lane and think about how that 8 minute montage in the beginning of Up affected you, and then multiply those feels by that by 5, you should be prepared for how many feels you will feel while watching a movie about feelings having feelings.

Haha that sentence was so fun to write.

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Anyways! About the movie. This review will be split into two parts: before you watch the movie and after you watch the movie. The part for after the movie obviously contains spoilers.

FOR BEFORE YOU WATCH THE MOVIE:

The movie surrounds a girl named Riley – more specifically, Riley’s feelings. They are Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Anger, and Fear. Anger is literally my spirit animal. I mean he’s literally so adorable and angry and I WANT A STUFFED VERSION OF HIM RIGHT NOW.

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These five emotions conduct the “headquarters” of Riley’s brain. The headquarters receive all the day’s memories and then sends them to longterm memory. The headquarters also contains Riley’s core memories, which each contribute to a part of Riley’s personality: the core memories create these things called “personality islands.” The core memories are all happy memories because Joy is a control freak.

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Anyways, yeah, Joy is pretty much the boss of Riley’s brain and she controls everything. That is, until Riley moves and then sadness screws everything up by making – god forbid – a sad core memory, which Joy, being her dictator self, tries to get rid of. Consequently, Joy and Sadness and all the core memories get sucked into longterm memory. Joy and Sadness MUST RETURN TO HEADQUARTERS BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE. They go through many parts of Riley’s brain: imagination land, abstract thought, dream creation, fears, etc.

Meanwhile, Disgust, Anger, and Fear completely fail to make Riley the happy girl she once was, resulting in Riley’s loss of personality and her eventual depression and apathy.

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The movie is funny, tear-jerking, and (like every other good Pixar movie) surprisingly complex. Although yeah, of course the movie has to hand out cheesy lessons like “cooperation is key!” or “not one person can do everything alone!”

Also take it from me: the movie has some scenes that are so funny and some that are so sad that you’ll still laugh or cry when thinking about those scenes days after you’ve watched it. Maybe that’s just me because I’m a super emotional person.

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If you’re looking for realism in this movie (like accurate representations of the brain and stuff), then you’ve definitely come to the wrong place. I mean, we’re talking about the studio that claims that toys are alive and rats can cook gourmet meals. What are you expecting?

FOR AFTER YOU WATCH THE MOVIE ONLY (YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED):

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Okay can we just take a minute to talk about Bing Bong. Yeah that furry pink elephant cat dolphin cotton candy thing that literally DESTROYED EVERYONE’S HEART OH MY GOD.

I might be overanalyzing this (yeah I definitely am) but we meet Bing Bong when he’s taking memories away from long term memory. It’s obviously representative of us clinging to our memories, but at the beginning Bing Bong seems like a bad guy who’s harvesting all the memories, almost as if somehow a too long lasting naivety can be parasitic and harmful. And when he dies it’s to save a part of Riley that’s been with her for her entire life (including her innocent childhood) – a part that is key and core, not one that was already fading away. So like… we don’t need that childish part of ourselves? In fact we should get rid of it? I have no idea.

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But HOLY CRAP WAS IT SAD. WAS IT SAD MAN. DID I HAVE AN IMAGINARY FRIEND THAT I FORGOT ABOUT? WILL I FORGET ABOUT MY IMAGINARY FRIEND FOREVER? DID MY IMAGINARY FRIEND FALL INTO AN ABYSS OF NOTHINGNESS AND THEN FADE INTO THE WIND LIKE ASHES AND

*falls to knees in despair*

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WHAT OTHER THINGS HAVE I LOST? WHAT OTHER MEMORIES? Okay I’m cool I’m cool (I will actually never be cool after that)

Okay moving on from Bing Bong (ha what a joke), in the end of the movie (no not that boy at the end) Riley has a new set of core memories: more of them, and with a combination of the 5 feelings. Her emotional experience has allowed her core memories to shift from the naivety of only being happy ones to being a combination of all feelings. And then her personality flourishes and now she’s able to feel a wider variety of emotions… as well as learning a wider variety of swear words.

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Yeah okay philosophical time. I’ll keep this short because I’m sick of myself. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Okay but in all seriousness it gets better. Your life might not feel as happy as it was when you were younger but it’s so much more interesting, so much more complex, and so much better. I’m basically quoting Doctor Who right here because I’m not very original.

K BYE!

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P.S. the short at the beginning is so terrible I cannot even express how bad it is.

P.P.S. MORE SPOILERS. Things to think about to forget about Bing Bong! The stupid song that always gets stuck in your head memory! The Canadian imaginary dream boy who would “do anything to save Riley”! The boy in the end whose brain went crazy over meeting Riley (because too accurate)! PSYCH you’re never getting over Bing Bong. *cries in corner*

Looking Forward… Again

Hey guys! I’m finally home from golf camp! I’ve lost about half my brain cells and consequently… I stopped writing this post for 2 hours and I forgot what I was going to say.

Anyways, now that I’m back home, I have two weeks to do whatever I want. Until I get shipped off again. Meaning that I have about 5 movies to watch and 2 TV shows to watch and also that I have to do summer homework in record time. It’s a hard knock life for us.

So basically, because I have so much to do, all I’ve done so far is lie in bed rewatching YouTube videos. And thus, again, I have nothing to review.

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(Never fear: coming up soon are reviews for Inside Out and Jurassic World)

Okay well, it’s July 5th. The day after July 4th. The day of the world cup final (let’s not think about England kthx). It also happens to be 3 days after the middle of the year.

Yeaaahhh…

Let’s not think about the amount of time we’ve wasted and instead look to the future!

(There is none.)

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Since it’s halfway through the year, it’s also halfway to awards season! Kind of. I mean the Oscars happen on February 28th so not really. But we’ll ignore that.

Currently, I haven’t seen any movies that could be nominated for Best Picture in the Oscars. I have a funny feeling Inside Out will win Best Animated Feature Film (despite hearing from countless people that the movie actually sucked… oh well. I’ll see on Tuesday).

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Anyhow, when I wasn’t looking, 3 new seemingly Oscar-Worthy Film Trailers were released. I shall now kind of review them!

1) Steve Jobs

Yes, finally, we might be getting a halfway decent movie about Steve Jobs. The movie industry tends to favor the lone white genius man (see: The Imitation Game, The Theory of Everything, A Beautiful Mind). Hopefully this movie will shed light onto the complex figure that Steve Jobs actually is (not that I know much about him) instead of the glorified god that everyone makes him out to be. Okay he’s still a god.

2) Mr. Holmes

Another movie about Sherlock Holmes. This time, starring Ian McKellen (wouldn’t it be interesting if they cast a POC or a woman as Sherlock? After all, Sherlock is actually a girl’s name). This story seems to have a bit of a twist on the original Sherlock Holmes: he’s retired, trying to fix his last case… WITHOUT WATSON! I think it’ll probably also be nominated for Best Costume Design but we’ll have to see.

3) The Stanford Prison Experiment

Yes, for those of you who don’t know, this is a true story. You can read all about it on this Wikipedia article here. It’s pretty horrifying and inhumane, which is basically just Oscar baiting material. It looks like some of the acting in the movie could probably result in at least an Oscar nomination (*cough* Ezra Miller)

Alright, well we’ll have to see until next year to know if my predictions were right! Also apologies again for not having a legit review. THERE WILL BE ONE NEXT WEEK!

See ya!