Dear Academy…

Dear Academy (or as you like to pretentiously call yourselves, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences),

As I was completely appalled by your choice to let Birdman win above Boyhood, I simply have too much anger to write a legitimate post summarizing the Oscars.

I was especially astonished when the announcer said that Birdman somehow “touched” the hearts of so many people, when we all know that Birdman only really connected with the small fraction of people who are actors and actresses, while Boyhood basically chronicles everyone’s life in one way or another.

Furthermore, I’m absolutely astounded that the Academy would allow an incredibly heartfelt movie made over 12 dedicated years to go unrewarded.

Don’t think it’s just me. Just google Oscars and read a bunch of reviews that are very passive aggressive. Or read this article, where it turns out most people actually wanted Boyhood to win: http://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-31584655

And now because I’m too angry to write anything else I’ll sum up the rest of my feelings with a bunch of gifs.

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Sincerely,

Everyone who’s not an actor or an actress

The 87th Annual Movie Games

*insert epic music here: I would recommend Olympic Fanfare and Theme by John Williams*

WELCOME TO THE 87TH ANNUAL MOVIE GAMES WITH YOUR HOST, NEIL PATRICK HARRIS. IT IS THE AWARD CEREMONY EVERY YEAR THAT LEAVES A SMALL FRACTION OF PEOPLE HAPPY AND THE MAJORITY OF ACTORS CRYING THEMSELVES TO SLEEP.

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The movies nominated this year for best picture (which I have watched… most of them all the way through… some of them carefully…) are, in alphabetical order, American Sniper, Birdman, Boyhood, The Grand Budapest Hotel, The Imitation Game, Selma, The Theory of Everything, and Whiplash.

We already pretty much know that either Boyhood or Birdman will win. And that’s all that’s possible.

NEVERTHELESS, I have gone through all this trouble to watch the movies so now read my totally accurate and non biased reviews (hahaha what a joke).

American Sniper

Grade: B-/C+

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I’m not 100% sure what this movie was supposed to accomplish. If this movie was supposed to make me realize the corruption of America, then it totally succeeded. If it was supposed to make me feel patriotic, then it totally failed. If anything I want to move out of America now.

This movie portrays America as everyone sees it: basically, guns, and violence. Also cowboys. And western accents. And sexism. And ignorance (the main character literally doesn’t know what a Quran is). And racism. And stupidity.

I’ll be honest I didn’t actually finish this movie because I got too bored. Oops.

Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)

Grade: B-

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^this gif accurately describes my experience of watching Birdman. I had absolutely no idea what was going on in the whole movie.

Birdman chronicles a tale about a once-successful actor who’s trying to make it big in Broadway. He has a junkie daughter and he hires a bunch of mentally unstable actors who all have different problems. However, the main character has the biggest issues, as plainly obvious because half the movie is hallucinations. Or legit stuff. It’s very ambiguous.

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Anyways, I think I’ve made it pretty obvious that I didn’t enjoy the film. I mean, first of all, I didn’t realize that it was a comedy (I didn’t laugh one bit by the way). Also I didn’t know what the hell was happening in the film.

The film had its cool parts though. The entire film was meant to look like a one take (which kind of messed around with my head).

However, it’s a dark comedy. And I’m not an adult. So I don’t know. Maybe older people will connect with the characters.

Boyhood

Grade: A++++++

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Y’all know my opinions about this film (if you’ve stuck around long enough). If you’re new, here’s my review: https://geekxcritique.wordpress.com/2015/01/31/boyhood-best-movie-1110/

It better win. Or else.

The Grand Budapest Hotel

Grade: A-

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This movie was actually pretty good (I mean I thought I wouldn’t enjoy it because it’s a comedy). It has an outset of a pretty innocent and sweet little movie, which kind of makes all the violence in the movie seem happy-go-lucky.

The Grand Budapest Hotel tells the story of a girl who’s reading a story about a guy who listens to another person’s story about how he came to acquire the Grand Budapest Hotel.

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The girl doesn’t matter. The guy doesn’t matter. However, the dude telling the story does matter. He was once the lobby boy at the Grand Budapest Hotel. However, the story really surrounds this guy named Mr. Gustave, whose position in the Grand Budapest Hotel frankly confuses me.

Anyways, the movie is quite beautiful and gives off a vibe of happiness and innocence (which, by the way, is basically just a façade). The color scheme kind of reminds me of the brilliantly colored houses of San Francisco. And the entire façade thing reminds me of Mary Watson (haha get it?)

The Imitation Game

Grade: A+/A

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Again. Already reviewed it. Done. Here’s that review btw: https://geekxcritique.wordpress.com/2014/11/18/the-imitation-game-behind-every-code-is-an-enigma/

Selma

Grade: A+

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^the image above is not a gif bc I couldn’t find a gif BECAUSE THIS MOVIE ISN’T POPULAR ENOUGH GAAAAAAH

Anyways, finally, a film about Martin Luther King that should’ve been made ages ago. And it was great. Martin Luther King was portrayed as an actual human being. Not perfect. Not completely awful. Just a normal man with a purpose and far more eloquence than most people can hope to accomplish in their lifetimes.

In addition, Selma didn’t hold back on the violence at all; every moment was raw and represented racism as it was and as it is: deep-rooted, brutal, and forgiving.

If Boyhood doesn’t win (which won’t happen or else), Selma must win. In the here and the now, we’re finally having a sort of “rebirth” in the civil rights movement. The fight for racial equality died down somewhat, escaping the news and all. We think we’ve moved on so much from the past. But have we really?

(this next bit contains a few spoilers)

The film portrays policemen not indicted for their brutality and killings. It portrays the injustice of having an all-white jury

Sound familiar? (Hint: Ferguson)

Yeah. Just ask yourself: have we really moved on?

The Theory of Everything

Grade: A/A-

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The Theory of Everything is probably one of the most beautiful movies that you’ll ever see. You have no idea how many beautiful gifs I wanted to use. In the end I chose these two.

The movie was aesthetically astounding. The sounds and screen really came together quite beautifully. Although, as you guys probably know, I really think that Interstellar’s soundtrack should definitely edge out the Theory of Everything’s soundtrack, there’s no denying that the Theory of Everything soundtrack fit the movie well.

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The film also displayed quite a few motifs: the circle motif was probably my favorite. Coffee, spinning, black holes, fireworks, clocks: even the soundtrack had a sort of circle motif in it.

Besides gorgeousness of the movie, you’ll be astounded by the bravery that both Stephen Hawking and his wife displayed.

Also, there’s a Doctor Who reference in the movie that almost made me jump right out of my seat. Watch out for it.

Whiplash

Grade: A-/B+

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Be prepared to experience Miles Teller, your favorite Peter from the Divergent series, finally getting a taste of his own medicine as JK Simmons, his super crazy drum teacher, totally abuses him. You’ll be on the edge of your seat as you contemplate how anyone is able to get away with this kind of stuff, especially in a school.

Whiplash tells the story of Andrew Neiman, a talented drummer who is really desperate to get the respect of his psychopathic teacher, Terrence Fletcher. Andrew eventually gets really good. The end.

In terms of life lessons, this film really taught me never to be a drummer because that profession will most certainly ruin your life. (Next bit contains spoilers) It will tear you apart from your girlfriend. It will give you permanent scars on your hands. Your family will not care at all. You’ll get hit by a car and almost die.

FML

Anyways, as the Oscars are rapidly approaching (aka in less than 3 hours), I’ll finish my review here.

Just one last note to the Academy:

If Boyhood doesn’t win,

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The Weekly Suggestion #2

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Movie: Selma (it’s still in theaters). Still totally relevant to America today, sadly enough.

TV show: Agent Carter. Just watch it and you’ll understand.

Book: Fahrenheit 451. I just finished it and the fact that I finished it probably suggests that it’s worth a read (I haven’t been able to finish a book in at least half a year).

Song: Hero by Family of the Year. It’s a song that plays in Boyhood and it’s now my favorite song.

In a Flash…

Grade: A+

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This is a relatively new TV show (I mean, it’s still on season one), meaning about three different things. If, at the end of this review, you have been convinced to watch this show you can 1) watch this show on beautiful, beautiful HD TV or 2) you can wait until there are a trillion episodes and binge watch everything. Or you could just not be convinced to watch it.

Anywaaaays…

I have to admit, I didn’t want to watch this show because you know… DC comics. If you’ve stuck around long enough without getting sick of me, you probably know that I’m a true Marvel fan… haha jk I haven’t even read any of the comics.

In terms of movies, this is what I think of Marvel vs. DC:

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However, television is a much more tricky scenario. Marvel has produced Agents of SHIELD, and, more importantly, Agent Carter. On the other hand, DC comics has made Arrow and Flash.

Okay, enough of this Marvel vs DC stuff.

IT’S TIME TO TALK ABOUT THE FLASH.

So a brief overview of the Flash. There’s this dude named Barry Allen (spoiler alert: he becomes the Flash) and he’s your typical hot and smart and dorky dude living an every day life and working for his adopted father in the police department.

When Barry was little his mom was stabbed by this streak of red and yellow light (which is basically the basis for the story thus far) and his biological dad was convicted of the crime and arrested (which is why Barry lives with an adopted father). Barry is totally obsessed with finding his mother’s killer, but even though he’s a crazy smart forensic scientist and he’s basically been looking all his life he still has no idea what the hell happened.

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Anyways, one day, this crazy scientist dude called Dr. Wells decides to build a highly unstable particle accelerator because apparently all of the smart guys in this TV show have incredibly bad judgement.

So then the particle accelerator explodes (what a shock) and lightning goes everywhere and zaps people with superpowers and such. You know. Comic book logic.

So our hero, Barry Allen, gets zapped with perhaps the most useless superpower ever: super-speed. Literally who in their right mind would wish for super speed over something like invisibility or mind reading or flying or super genius.

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Anyways, this team of three very nerdy science peoples join forces with Barry. The person at the head of this team is the crazy Dr. Wells. Then you have Caitlin Snow, an unrealistically hot ginger nerd. And then Cisco, your typical dork who needs to name everything he sees.

This team decides to take Barry in and test him and train him and then use him to fight crime. The more interesting fighting-against-crime scenes are against the other people with superpowers (dubbed metahumans).

Basically all the metahumans but Barry are evil. This particle accelerator just had to zap all the evil people in the city, didn’t it?

That is one stupid particle accelerator.

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ENOUGH OF THE PLOT SUMMARY!

It’s time for “100 Reasons Why You Should Watch the Flash Shortened to Five Main Points.”

1) Hot, hot, hot, HOT actors. Or actor. It’s basically just Barry (aka Grant Gustin). Unless you like girls. In which case you are totally in luck.

But let’s just focus on Barry.

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*help*

Moving on…

2) Interesting story lines and a bucket load of dramatic irony. If you don’t know what dramatic irony is PAY ATTENTION IN SCHOOL. Basically dramatic irony is when the audience knows something that the characters within the story don’t.

Sometimes you’ll be trying hard not to shout at the screen because you know something so important the the characters are missing all the time and it’s so infuriating ACK.

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It’s like Dora and Sniper and the fact that Dora literally never knows where Sniper is even though he’s right behind her.

I mean this might seem like a bad thing, but it just makes the suspense so real. And when the characters do figure stuff out you’re like YES MAH BABY’S FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT.

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3) So. Many. Things. To. Guess.

If you’re one of those people who just loves to try to figure out plot lines and stuff then the Flash is a perfect show for you. There are so many opportunities to formulate ideas about the show. Also 99% of the time you figure out stuff faster than the characters in the show because you get all the info before they do.

(And they’re stuck trying to sort out all the info. Ha. Losers.)

4) Totally awesome metahuman powers that make totally awesome fight scenes because the special effects are actually ridiculously amazing.

It’s basically what it sounds like. None of your cheap Doctor Who CGI crapp – it’s beautiful, realistic, amazing special effects. It’s everything you ever wanted from a TV show.

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5) Characters that you actually fall in love with. I mean, you’re probably already in love with Barry from that picture up there because he’s so hot. The other characters, even though they lack most of the hotness that Barry possesses, are charismatic, nerdy (always important), and complicated. The good characters mainly all stick together through thick and thin. There are a bunch of shocking character revelations. It’s all quite awesome.

Have I convinced you to watch the show yet?

If not here’s a gif:

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You’d better be convinced now.

2015: The Ultimate Movie Breakdown

Warning: this post was created when I was feeling immensely sarcastic. Any viewpoints raised by sarcastic Grace should not be taken personally. Viewer discretion is advised.

HELLO EVERYONE! It’s February (turn down for what) and almost award season, which means I’m watching a ton of movies and trying to watch a ton of movies and it’s basically just a mess.

Anyways I decided to make this post about the upcoming movies in 2015. And I’m late as usual. So we’ll ignore all the January movies. I will also ignore the movies that I don’t really care about. I’ll also probably categorize all the movies wrong. Sound good? Okay let’s begin.

Action Movies

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Kingsman: The Secret Service (Feb 13) – Nothing’s better than watching posh British actors attempting to be badass spies.

Insurgent (Mar 20) – Apparently it’s nothing like the book. So like… the movie’s going to be like the Percy Jackson movie? Oh god. #braceyourselves2k15

Furious 7 (Apr 3) – If you had enough patience (or no life) to watch the first six movies, then have fun watching this one.

The Avengers: Age of Ultron (May 1) – I mean, you probably already have tickets reserved even though tickets aren’t even out yet so…

Jurassic World (Jun 12) – For all the people who watched the original 1993 movie. And for all the people who watched it when it came out in theaters again in 2013. So why do we need this new movie?

Terminator Genisys (Jul 1) – Arnold Schwarzenegger is 67 years old and is still buff as hell. Want to feel bad about yourself? Watch this movie.

Ant-Man (Jul 17) – I mean… you’ll complain about the trailer and all but at the end of the day you’re going to watch it anyways so you might as well stop complaining (*cough* me).

Fantastic Four (Aug 7) – It looks about 10x better than Ant-Man.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part II (Nov 20) – It’s a book. If you really want to know what happens then go read it.

Romantic Movies

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As you can see, I dislike romantic movies immensely.

Fifty Shades of Grey (Feb 13) – I feel obliged to include this on the list just so you guys know to avoid it. It’s just a Twilight smut fanfic. Enough said.

The Longest Ride (Apr 10) – As if we needed another Nicholas Sparks book movie adaption. Honestly half his books are movies and each movie gets a worse approval rating… there’s a time to stop.

Age of Adeline (Apr 24) – If I looked as amazing as Blake Lively why the hell would I want to age anyways.

Paper Towns (Jun 5) – If John Green turns into the next Nicholas Sparks I will chuck my computer out the window.

Animated Movies

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Inside Out (Jun 19) – You’ll be inside the theater and out 10 seconds later. Just kidding. This looks like a fun (but sexist -_-) movie.

Minions (Jul 10) – Minions are literally me. I am a minion. We are all minions.

The Peanuts Movie (Nov 6) – I feel obliged to include this just for all you Peanuts lovers out there #ihaveneverwatchedpeanuts

Comedies

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TBH I don’t watch comedy movies either… At this point I think I might only watch action movies…

The Duff (Feb 20) – According to tumblr the book is total crap. And tumblr is the handbook to life.

The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (Mar 6) – Probably the second best movie in this movie series as well.

Pitch Perfect 2 (May 15) – Prepare to get pitch slapped with autotune again. Also, once again, it has been proven that the rest of the world does indeed hate the USA. What a surprise.

Movies I Literally Don’t Know How to Categorize

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Chappie (Mar 6) – Huzzah! Artificial intelligence. I mean, if K-9 and JARVIS aren’t enough for you, then… I don’t even know

Cinderella (Mar 13) – I’ve never seen such forced posh acting in my life.

Tomorrowland (May 22) – Watching this movie is not going to give you a better chance of getting together with George Clooney. He’s married. Move on.

Pan (Jul 24) – My childhood is becoming live-action. Help.

And there you have it! The movies that you should look out for this year. I hope you have a nice year of movie watching and TV show watching and book reading.

onwards