The Hobbit: The Return… I mean, The Battle of the Five Armies

Grade: A/A-

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This post contains spoilers… duh.

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It’s no secret that I’m an action movie junkie (it’s a family thing). It’s also no secret that I absolutely loved the Lord of the Rings (also a family thing). And now, director Peter Jackson does it again, creating movies with multiple different endings and fantastic green screens.

After the enemy of the last movie dies within the first 10 minutes (seriously even before the title shows), leading you to think that the last movie was completely unnecessary, be prepared for 2 and a half hours of Peter Jackson patented plot, with characters that weren’t supposed to be in the book and characters that were supposed to be dead and characters that don’t even exist. It will leave you wondering: did I read the book wrong?

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Also, be warned about the awkward aging of characters since the last series, including Elrond getting his wrinkles on and Legolas having his face bloated and his jawline becoming square. Watch as the makeup artists desperately attempt to remove the wrinkles that have developed because of 10 years of Lord of the Rings deprivation. Stare at the screen as you wonder, “How long was it really since the last Lord of the Rings movie?”

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*squints suspiciously*

And at that point you realize that the last Lord of the Rings movie (Return of the King) came out in 2003. Feel old yet?

And of course get ready for the references to the Lord of the Rings series, which Peter Jackson puts in just to make you watch the Lord of the Rings series again so that he can become more stinking rich (as if he isn’t already).

Cringe as you watch forced romantic scenes between an elf and a dwarf. Feel awkward as you start to ship a dwarf and a hobbit. Watch an awkward love triangle begin to blossom. Wince as the movie stretches the limits of “cheesy,” with the forced romances. And then realize that none of this romance was meant to happen in the first place, and that the awkwardness only happened because Peter Jackson stretched his creative license to the limit.

Then, find out random places in middle earth that will leave you wondering, “Why aren’t these places in the Lord of the Rings, when they seem to be totally relevant to everything that’s happening?”

Finally, get confused as you try to figure out what exactly the “five armies” are. Orcs? Goblins? Eagles? Wizards? Shape-shifters? Men? Elves? Dwarves? One hobbit? Actually, what the hell are these creatures? Where do they come from?

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And then you start thinking that the battle would’ve been much more interesting had the freaking dragon not died in the first 10 minutes.

However, despite all these complaints, the movie series is still action-packed with multiple incredible fighting scenes. Also New Zealand’s finest green screens never fail to deliver. Overall, it’s quite an enjoyable movie granted that you don’t think too much.

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Inside Out: Look Into My Mind… And See the Amount I Don’t Care

You’ve probably already seen the US trailer, which was just a montage of all the old Pixar movies (basically a huge sob fest for all you Disney / Pixar fans that have grown up).

And now, prepare to be bamboozled, wowed, and shocked by the studio that created Mulan, Brave, and Frozen, who in the 21st century will release a film dripping with so much sexism that you’ll be transported right back to the 20s.

Just from the trailer alone, the mother appears to be a passive, useless woman, who’s obsessed with exotic dudes (admit it, we all are, at least at some point… if London counts as exotic). The father is an idiot who’s obsessed with sports, but he’s still the “head” of the household.

Tisk tisk Pixar. Tisk tisk.

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At least the little characters are cute. And that’s the justification for me going to see this movie.

Selfie: While I’m On ABC, I’m Still Missing Selfie

Grade: B+

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I’m not one for comedy TV… is such a lie so let me rephrase that.

I’m not one for watching entire comedy series. I started How I Met Your Mother and I gave up. I watched Big Bang Theory and although I found it funny I didn’t watch it.

And, well, when Selfie came out, I had my doubts.

First of all, the name Selfie is the most basic thing in the universe – I mean, the name is just a lure for teenagers. Like

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FEED ME MONEY OM NOM NOM.

And then the whole premise looked stupid and it looked like your typical basic girl TV show.

Yeah so I didn’t start the show right away.

However, I couldn’t stay away for long. Especially when these beauties were involved:

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Like honey. You mix up actors from Star Trek and Doctor Who (and recently, Marvel) for me and you have a sure bet that I’m going to watch a show (obviously with a bit of peer nagging involved).

So finally, I was like: screw this. It can’t be that bad.

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And let me tell you.

Well first of all, this show can be summed up in around one word: OTP.

I guess that’s technically three words. For all of you who’ve been living under a rock for the past few years, OTP means one true pairing. Except nobody has just one.

The show surrounds the implied (but really obvious) romance between Henry Higgs (John Cho), who’s basically your typical Asian workaholic, and Eliza Dooley (Karen Gillan), your typical apparently soulless ginger. However, Eliza suddenly realizes her soullessness (that is, her very obvious behavioral problems), and she goes to Henry the workaholic to “remake” her. The two develop really, REALLY obvious feelings for each other leading to a lot of moments where you’re like

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I’m not even kidding it’s the worst feeling ever. When those two are just like less than a foot away from each other and you can just see sparks flying and then they just get closer together and they almost kiss… but then something awfully NOT important interrupts them and you’re just like

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Basically, the point that I’m trying to make is that if you want to watch this show then you’ll definitely have to jump off that small island of sanity (which, by the way, is an illusion) and swim towards the Henry x Eliza ship where you’ll stay forever this way, you are safe in my heart and

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As you can tell, my brain is not functioning very well due to the amount of feels I have right now surrounding this beautiful ship. Therefore, be warned.

Enough about the beautiful OTP, however, and let’s move on to other things that make the show worthy of your watching.

1) Selfie is basically the only show that actually captures the essence of social media. Yes, the fabulousness and absolute IMPORTANCE of followers on Instagram. Yes, the urge to stalk people on Facebook. Yes, the fact that LinkedIn is not cool. Yes, the significance of social media in general.

2) The characters are crazy. Apathetic Henry and soulless Eliza are probably the least insane people on the show (seriously, wait until you meet the boss).

3) Just like… hot people.

4) The theme song is ON POINT. Props to you if you got that the title of this blog post is a play on the theme song (although a really bad one I’ll admit )

Honestly, the only reasons that I gave this show a B+ are because the name sucks and I’m not interested in comedy in general. Also the fact that the actual struggle with my new OTP.

Yeah so when Selfie was canceled… well, this gif basically sums it up.

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It was a dark day. I still remember it as if it were yesterday. It was November 7th, 2014. I went on buzzfeed (#basic #hashtagsarebasic) and read the appalling news.

HOW DAREST ABC SINK MAH SHIP?

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